My unexpected tryst with Ayurveda – Part II


My mind and body both haven’t recovered from the mauling I had undergone from the masseur , who observed ,while furiously digging into my chest claiming it seemed my fat was too adamant! I mean , what the hell is that even supposed to mean? If you did not follow, make sure you read the first part, as to know how I came to such a horrific situation. As for the rest of you , let me entertain your sadist minds! 😦

After being tied with nothing but the white piece of translucent loin cloth, he made me sit on a chair. I was burning in shame and mortification as I sat down. He came straight opposite to me and my horribly imaginative mind, again brought forth the most sickening of thoughts and images confused emoticon. But then he plonked something warm and semi paste like over my head and started grinding it in. He started asking my name, occupation and likewise and I kept answering him in monosyllables, purposely murmuring so that he would get the notion across of my unwillingness to chat with him almost naked! Yet he kept at it, going on and on, commenting on how long my hair was and I would have to cut it if the medicine was to act effectively. Finally after tying a towel over my head, he asked me to get up. He pushed aside the chair and asked me to climb over to the large wooden table lying in the centre of the room. Imagine having nothing but the strategically tied loin cloth on your body and having to climb on to a tall table heads up, hoisting your rear end high up in all its glory for him to see. I finally lied down supine and closed my eyes , as I couldn’t bear looking at his face. I could hear some metal clank as he placed something on the end of the table, near my feet.

He started applying something over my feet, which felt warm.. Finally… .I thought. The warm oil massage. But why does it feel scrapy?? I asked him the same, and he replied

“This is not oil ,buddy. This is something that we call a choornam. Or in plain words, a type of fat exfoliant! I am gonna scrub this all over your body hard, so that it dislodges those stubborn fat in your body! ” and trailed off into laughter.

I was paralyzed. So this was not even an oil massage? And this guy is gonna scrub my precious fat off ? How on Rajinikanth’s earth is that even possible!? Soon I felt what he meant. He started going in a loop from my feet till my knees and I started feeling the burn. I couldn’t even move my body as  he pressed down hard and kept going at it ,as if he was kneading into form ,dough for porotta! Soon he came to my thighs. If anyone of you out there is planning a suicide attempt like this, please be warned ; It takes every ounce of your manly control to force ( read plead and beg) your hypothalamus to not send signals down to any portion of your body, that’s gonna embarrass you to almighty shame, when a dude is running with a vengeance, his palms over your thighs and beyond. PERIOD! I tightly shut my eyes as he continued pounding my thighs .On top of it I felt to cry out with the intensity of his tearing up my skin with the paste.

Soon he came to the tummy. And that’s when he started off into a “Chinta ta ta Chita Chita, Chinta ta ta” kinda hand play over my tummy and chest, slapping down hard enough, to make me convulse up on the table. I whimpered as he ground my innards and I almost felt him digging inside my body and squeezing my kidneys and whatnot to pulp. All these while, I remembered my ‘sweet and loving mom’, vowing to one day take her to this very clinic and having a she hulk, do everything that this cousin of Khali was doing to me! But just as I was relaxing thinking that it’s over, the masseur, asked me to go prone! I did not have any more strength left in me to argue, and I meekly turned over and lied down. I felt him untying the strings and taking out that only piece of cloth that covered my ass, and tucked it between my legs. Ladies and gentlemen, Yes.. I was now officially FULLY NAKED, albeit lying prone redface.

Again he started from my feet and I again endured the pain of having my skin being scraped with the warm paste, upwards. Sooner than I expected he arrived at my ass and this time it was ” Dhadhang dhang dhang dhang, dhadhang dhang” that he played with his hands. I felt honestly a tear creeping its way from the corner of my eye, but I forced it back in, to keep at least one last piece of manliness with me. The masseur finished the session in over 1 hour. He then asked me to get up and move to the adjacent bathroom, to wash off the pastes and stuff over my body. I felt , looking into the bathroom mirror, that I had fallen yet again in that waste pit, back in college rolleyes.

Finally I came out after the bath, my body burning every single inch and feeling like a plucked red chicken. Honestly I felt as if my entire body was not mine, and that I was in some kind of a suit that was covering my nakedness. The masseur ,I felt had lost around 5 kg from the time I had met him ,and I felt he was visibly tired himself. I felt a little satisfaction 😉

And this my friends, went on for 7 whole days. As for the weight loss and overall rejuvenation of body, I’m yet to show that six-pack and toned biceps. Keep looking out! 😀


My unexpected tryst with Ayurveda – Part I

1I’ve been going through some personal problems and issues over the past few months and couldn’t update my blog, and i apologize to my followers for the same. Having taken some firm yet right decisions, and choosing to move ahead of all the baggage that was pulling me down , in the course of life, I’m now almost a new person. New resolutions, new fronts to explore and the most important part – a complete rejuvenating coming back to my funny self. Let me elaborate on something that I was sweetly suggested ( read forcefully and emotionally blackmailed ) by my mom.

Having come down to Kerala for events and part leisure, it was invigorating welcoming the new year with my best friends Gregary and Pradeep. After a hell of a start for new year, the “baggages” that i mentioned previously had to be dealt with finally. After that , one fine day I received a call from mom. This is how the conversation went

Mom – “Hi mone. Did you get up?”

Me – (yawwwnn)…. “hmmmmm”

Mom – “Get up you lazy-ass. How can you keep sleeping with the sun shining on your ass?”

Me – “Watch me doing it now..” And I cut the phone and went back to snoring. 😛

Tring.. Tring.. Again my mom was calling. I snatched the phone.

Mom – ” How dare you? I’ve had enough of your nature. You are going today itself to XYZ earth clinic and getting treated for your health and obesity!” shouted my mom.

Me – ” What on earth is wrong with you? Can’t you sit one single day without calling me and ruining it from the start?” I grumbled incoherently. But my sweet( read incessant and irritating) mom, heard it clearly and said

Mom – “I am ruining the day from the start of it, huh? Its bloody 1 pm in the afternoon and you claim it to be the start of your day.” That was it. I was check mated. Finally I had to agree as I really needed to complete the dream I was passionately dreaming.

After waking up, I called up the clinic, and was asked to come in person to discuss the treatment plans. Finally the day was fixed to start . I woke up early and went to the clinic, surging with optimism of sporting a 6 pack and visions of sexy chicks hanging on my toned biceps. 😛 As I reached there, I was asked to wait until the doctor could come to meet me. Meanwhile I was looking around and I saw lots of girls sporting the clinic’s t-shirts, and it was clear to me that they were the masseuses, in charge of the patients. I was already feeling goosebumps as I dreamt of one of them massaging me with warm oil and really loosening up my body. Brrr….

Finally the doctor came, and after the formalities of joining, I was asked to go inside a treatment room and wait for the massage person to come. I was walking up and down, thinking how I would introduce myself to the masseuse and flattened a spot of hair , looking at the mirror. I was looking out the window when I heard the door open with a wide smile on my face, ready to jump and shake hands with the masseuse. But my wide smile suddenly died a terrible death, as I saw myself staring at a 6 ft 4 in , black male person, who seemed like the distant cousin of Khali. He took my outstretched palm and gave something that he defined as handshake, but which for me felt like being taken in by a sugar cane crushing machine. I felt a terror as he ran his hands around my shoulders and dropped them to my hips. He squeezed them hard and I cut down the urge to run from the place clutching myself crying “Bachaooo… Bachaoo..!!”. He then suddenly commented ” There seems to be a bit accumulated flab. But nothing that I wont be able to deal with”. Finally it dawned on me , he is checking my body for its structure and felt a bit relieved. But the horror wasn’t over.

He suddenly pulled out a white , almost translucent piece of gauze like cloth with 2 long strings and asked me to strip. “What?!” I shouted. He patiently said ” You’ve to strip down for the massage, as this is to be done practically naked”. My eyes are gone wide open and I was looking at a way to escape. However the only door was blocked by his gargantuan body and all my hopes died down. I resigned to my fate and looked for the changing room. I had my next consecutive shock. THERE WAS NONE! Suddenly the “masseur” pulled off my t-shirt and pulled down my jeans in one smooth move. I was practically standing there in my boxers and was gasping for breath with the shock of all that happened. Just when I thought that it was over and that I might have to tie the gauze cloth over my undies, so as the oil to not stain it ; God…. was I wrong! He came behind me and tied the string around my waist. And then, he snatched down my only piece of honor remaining. I was in such a horrific state of shock and terror, as my mind started running parallel scenarios of me naked with this man , inside the treatment room! And then he took the long remaining piece of the cloth and pulled it in between my legs and hooked it over the string. ” There! Now you look perfect” claimed the masseur. I looked myself in the mirror and was numb seeing me buck naked except for the translucent cloth almost covering just the main parts it was assumed to do so. I was ranting away in my mind a choice of expletives against my mom, who had forced me to undergo this almost emotionally scarring experience.

But I was soon to realize this was nothing but just the start of a complete mind and body rape that I was to undergo under the hands of the cousin of Khali.

(to be continued… )