Open Letter to Soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend ! From, an enlightened boyfriend.

Dear Ex,

It’s with great pain, but a higher sense of contentment that I write you this letter. I understand that as time went on , our relationship traversed the crest and troughs, and what started off as sweet wine, but sadly is now a bitter ale. I have made lots of errors and stupid mistakes that the ‘y’ chromosome in my genetic structure, inherently breeds in my gender, and I assert that am in no way a perfect man. However having said that, this letter would be a dichotomy of the fantasy world and illusions that you thought made a perfect relationship and the reality served cold in a platter. Kindly read on. I assure you are in for a surprise.

Mentioned below are a list of things that paved way for reaching this crossroads in life. Do read , so that maybe, and just maybe, the next guy who stumbles across you, doesn’t flounder in the vast ocean of mystique and unanswerable questions you are.

1. The ‘V’ shape

I’m sorry to be mentioning this first but, unfortunately because of you, I now hate this letter of the alphabet to the core. You were so obsessed with getting me into the V shape so much, that you forgot the fact that there are people out there who consider me as a ball of fun. (pun not intended) And yes, being chubby (definitely not obese or  morbidly obese either), never defined me as a person I was. I take myself as a cloud ball , who passes from places to places making people laugh, giving them a happy feeling of themself and just generally making happy, jovial moments in life. Unfortunately, in our case, except in the initial budding months, I was unsuccessful. But then, seeing hugh jackman and jason statham flaunt their “V” ,you pushed, pulled , nagged , shouted, cried, shushed and blackmailed me denying you-know-what. That was the last straw.

Now hear this. I wont have a ‘V’ ever.  I hate the ‘V’. Period. Or for that reason I hate Y, O and U too !

2. ‘Enjoying life’ dilemma

You always claimed to be in the moment and have fun and rock on the night and what not. But pssst… Here’s a thing. Boozing, getting high and dancing away the night to glory comes ,yes could be put under fun, but not under the actual “moment” thing. Because at the end of the day , when lying bedridden and almost senile, its not the amount of times you epically puked after a drinking session that you would particularly be having a fond memory of. Rather it would be those sights, sensations, memories of the people, first love (definitely not in our case , yea? ), marriage, kids, and those insanely simple yet so rich in human feelings moments that are gonna endear. Both for you and the people involved. So yes, the next time you are throwing up ; remember, even the puke doesnt “want the moment” and is getting out of you to some drain or sewer much better than where it is.

Now you know.

3. Possessiveness

So now we come to the most delicate topic of them all. Yes, I was, I am and I will be possessive. After all, being a ‘Y’ chromosome innate,  entitles me to be atleast possessive about the one thing that I can call as my own discovery, other than those other people I was born to. It did not most certainly mean, that you were to sit inside a room 24×7 and worship me as your “Lord and Master” (reference intended for Shail @ Shail’s Nest :P). Rather it meant that at the end of the day, anything and everything you did, or want to do would go through my ears and head . I know it sounds sexist and all those feminist naysayers are gonna be clamouring for my blood. But again I assert the same , because I like to know what problem might happen in sharing stuffs that happen to you, because there is only two outcomes, “Yes ,go for it.” or “No, dont.”

You know why we would say that authenthically? Of all the homo sapiens in the world we  males, are endowed with so much idiocy and testosterone driven false bravery , that either we would have already “been there, done that”, or we have seen an asshole who was there and is there no more! Period.

4.Religion and Culture

This is funny to the core. Assuming that we followed a dual religion respecting system at home in our inter caste nuclear family, and bringing up our kids according to one religion, either due to adjustment or due to dominance,and if they go astray and turn into criminals, would you at the end of the day want them as Christian criminals or Hindu criminals? Because as far as I see it, it isn’t there religion instilling in them the essence of humanity , rather it would be us, as parents teaching them from right and wrong. All religion and culture would do , is lend them a garb of morality and asinine views of myths and so called “divine laws” , imparting a personality and address as to their family line and other society driven needs.

So , whether it was pooja or the holy mass, ultimately it would have been us who decided our childrens future personality based on what kind of humans we are. But I guess, now it was for the best, lest they see us bickering and fighting all  time due to the aforementioned reasons, while at the same time claiming to be close the upper echelons of divine solitude in our respective religions.

There is a lot more that was there as you would know, as the official record keeper of all the words that has come from our mouth and all the actions that came from us. But neither is there a reason to expound on them, nor criticise. But let me give you a last piece of advice as you sail off to new waters and newer horizons. What defines a person as that particular person, is their characteristics, eccentricities, inadequacies, negativities, flair, speech , smell and what not. Having to compromise and adjust would be ok. But having to completely change and become a new person with a different set of qualities might go to another extreme.

Maybe along with other qualities, a ‘Psycho’, might be bred. Just putting it out there. Because you don’t deserve to die for something you lack in your head or heart,  do you?

Or do you?